The crazy lady next door...

"Eileen!"
So. The ogre next door is awake.
"I'm gonna fuck you up!"
And pissed.
"Eileen! Get over here and finish your oatmeal!"
Apparently Eileen wasn't hungry.
"AHHH! You're gonna wish you hadn't done that!"

Eileen is the neighbor's dog. She's one of those small shaggy dogs that looks more like a genetic experiment gone wrong. I can just imagine the mad scientist now, hands clasped evily in front of him (they're always male, female scientists I'm sure have better things to do). "Oohahaha, lets cross this obnoxious stray cat with a neurotic poodle and I WILL be famous!" At least thats what Eileen reminds me of. No matter how you look at her though, wrath, fury, and uncontrollable anger are not emotions that come to mind. Maybe a mix of pity and cuteness...

Some people claim that dogs and their owners usually look like eachother. We've all seen those pictures of the skinny hyper-active poodle next to a curly-haired, caffine-frenzied marathon runner and thought, 'hey, those people are right!' Well, its not true. Eileen and the woman next door do not look anything like eachother. Nancy is the ogre's name. I'm sure that once she was someone's beautiful young daughter. But that was before an evil spirit named Hathwaya took over her mind. I don't really know if that's the reason for her personality, but if you met her, it wouldn't take much imagination to believe it. So anyways, she is a large woman with short hair. Imagine Demi Moore when she played that marine, and then add 200 lbs and a hint of facial hair. Maybe its only 150 lbs more, but you get the point. She wears strange pajamas most of the time and also has several cats she 'takes care of'. They seem to incite her rage less frequently than Eileen.

A couple of weeks ago I got Eileen grounded. Yes, the dog was grounded. I was driving into the driveway and Eileen was about 20 feet away from her front door. That was probably the biggest mistake she made-distance from the ogre. Eileen is kind of an older dog and so she was slow to get out from in front of the car. I'm not Dale Ernhardt so I slowed down and the wheels kind of skidded. Nancy saw the whole ordeal...and she was pissed. Even with my music on pretty loud I didn't have to read her lips.
"Eileeeeen!" Her gutteral scream was unreal.
"You get your ass back her!"
The dog just looked around like your senile grandfather at Disneyland. It had no clue what was about to go down.
"Eileeeen! I'm gonna beat your ass if you do that again!"
Still, the dog was oblivious.
"Fine! You're grounded! I'm grounding you Eileen!"
The volume of anger astounded me. First, the dog was just doing normal dog things and thinking normal dog thoughts. I imagine it went something like, 'oh, hey there. its a car. i wonder if its my friend. i should go sniff it. oh, hey there, its moving towards me. i better get out of its way now. what is that woman screaming about this time? i swear, all i do is try and find my inner soul, and that ogre is always pushing me back down.' I guess the dog reminds me of Brian from The Family Guy...
So Nancy hustled out of her cave in her weird pajamas and picked up Eileen. She brought her the twenty feet back to her cave entrance and put her on a short leash. This, apparently, was being grounded. The dog obviously had no comprehension of what was going on.
"I'm taking away your lunch today!"
Everything Nancy says to the dog is a yell-as if she really is speaking to her senile grandfather. I imagine Eileen holding one of those 1800-era tin horns up to her ears and I laugh out loud. Nancy hears my chuckle. Her head turns and she fixes me with her beady eyes. I feel like she's that character in X-men with the laser beam eyes and she's trying to kill me. Thankfully she's unsuccessful. But I get the gist of it. This is no laughing matter! No sir. This is the most serious and capital even that has happened in recent history and who do I think I am laughing! Her look says it all.

I walk inside and immediately call Emily. I can't wait to tell her today's ridiculous-ness! I'm laughing before she even answers the phone....

Not a day goes by that Eileen isn't yelled at, threatened, or cursed. I've never seen any evidence of actual abuse-I think Nancy is too dependent on that creature. But the second I do, I know who to call....